Reflecting On My Miscarriage, One Year Out

Today marks a year since Kevin and I experienced the miscarriage of our first pregnancy. We were talking about it last night and Kevin asked me how I was feeling about things, now that we’ve had a year to process it all. On one hand, that event feels like a lifetime ago, and so many other good things have happened since then. It also feels raw and recent in a way, though. I can easily take myself back to how things felt that scary morning and to the painful (both emotionally and physically) days that followed.

We had a pretty terrible nurse the day of the miscarriage (she actually led us to switching practices this time around — a decision we’ve been very happy with), and I still remember how it felt for her to have questioned my activities that morning I discovered bleeding. (I’d taken a Pure Barre class that morning, which is not only a low-impact activity I’d been doing for years before becoming pregnant, but was also something I’d discussed with my doctor without issue. The nurse’s comment? “You can’t just keep working out like you used to. You’re pregnant now!”) We also had a wonderful physician’s assistant that same day, though, who reminded me that this outcome wasn’t my fault, and I’ll always be grateful for her kind words.

So anyway. Now here we are, exactly a year later, and pregnancy remains a centerpiece in our lives. Thankfully, things are different this time around. Instead of being 10.5 weeks pregnant, I’ve made it to the 25-week mark and so far things are looking healthy and our baby girl’s growth is looking good (she’s currently in the 47th percentile).

(Look at that little nose! I just can’t wait to meet her…):

Today, on this anniversary of our miscarriage, I’m feeling especially reflective, and have thought a lot about how last year’s events have influenced the emotions around this current pregnancy. Kevin and I have definitely been much more hesitant this time around. Hesitant to feel “all-in,” hesitant to let ourselves get completely excited. And I think that makes sense. This hesitancy has certainly started to taper off as this pregnancy continues to progress, and as we keep getting good reports from our ultrasounds and check-ups. We also, though, feel more thankful than I think we would had we not experienced our loss. Every milestone we hit comes with a sense of relief and gratefulness, and we don’t take any of those for granted. When I feel our baby girl move around, I get waves of reassurance and hope and excitement. Though tasks like setting up a registry and a nursery come with a hint of a “too soon?” feeling, they also are also defined by such appreciation to even be able to consider those activities.

And then, of course, remembering this tough time a year ago today reminds me of all the support we had throughout that period. We were surrounded by love — by friends and family, by thoughts and good wishes, by gifts of food and flowers and cards and hugs and phone calls. We were reminded of the true village we are a part of, made up of folks near and far. And that village? It’s still very much intact, only this year its theme is that of celebration and anticipation for this new little life. We are overwhelmingly lucky, and Kevin and I will never forget the kindness we’ve received throughout these months. Y’all are amazing. Every one of you.

Here’s to 2017 being a year full of life, love, and continued support of one another. Goodness knows we all need each other, no matter the season of life!